Okay so it's 03:37
And my ex boyfriend is texting me
Apparently he still has feelings for me and woudln't mind us being together
Just took him more or less this full year to come out and text me
I'm not bothered
I know that I don't have feelings in the slightest towards him
because I can safely and happily say that I am totally head over heels in love with Paul
but that's me fucked up another guy
Why do I do this to people?
Like seriously
Like seriously
After my first love, I actually took to warning guys that I would end up fucking them up one way or another, unintentionally.
Putting them off by telling them that they don't want to be with me because I am a psycho and such
And that at the end of everything I will end up on top and better off than them
So far I haven't been proved wrong
But like part of me feels bad.
Every time this happens.
Like when my ex had come out and told me how he felt my heart just sank.
I honestly don't know what to do.
Like I told Paul he texted me and such and I told Paul when we started seeing each other and he was talking about being in a relationship with me that he didn't want to and gave him the speech about why not.
He still wants me.
He says he loves me.
I believe him.
I trust him.
I know I'm going to end up more hurt than ever at the end of this.
I just know it.
But in my head, heart and soul I really just do not care!
But I should.
This stuff scares me. I haven't ever been like this.
But at the same time, I know that I love Paul. I do. I really do. But I am not and never will be the number one person in his life. I'll never be his first priority. In a sense I couldn't be happier but in another part of me, it is hurt, saddened at this thought because me knowing what I am like, I know that there will come a day where he means absolutely everything to me and yet I won't be everything to him because of his 1 and a half year old son, Nathan and his daughter Alyssa who is due in January. I know that if his ex finds out he is seeing someone else she is going to make it extremely difficult for him to see his babies, and I don't want that to happen.
I probably shouldn't have drank that can of orange rockstar so late. After my wee 6-8pm nap I wasn't tired but the rockstar is now making me consider doing an all-nighter and such.
I can't get over the argument that Tony and I had earlier, it was unreal, brutal. Hurtful. Like I just can't get over some of the things he said, I can't get my head around some of the things I had said either. I can't get over why Steve would have posted the things he did on the conversation. His lies. I think that after I mailed Steve and explained myself in shortened form he took a step back to realise that I wasn't the liar in this situation but it was infact Tony. This would happen to me. I'm going to keep his name on my CV as a reference even though I know myself that he probably won't say very nice things about me now. It's going to be so difficult. He said that if I send him 40quid then he will send me up my stuff in good condition, I know myself that he won't. I'd like to think that he would but I just can't see it happening. It'll either go on him putting it up his nose or into helping him sort out his debts.
This song is amazing:
If anyone hasn't seen Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet, made in 1996 then I suggest you check it out. It is an absolutely inspiring, amazing film. I love it. Downloaded it the other night and watched half of it that night and the other half in the morning and then the whole thing the night after.
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