Early hours of Boxing day

Okay so it's 03:37

And my ex boyfriend is texting me

Apparently he still has feelings for me and woudln't mind us being together

Just took him more or less this full year to come out and text me

I'm not bothered

I know that I don't have feelings in the slightest towards him

because I can safely and happily say that I am totally head over heels in love with Paul

but that's me fucked up another guy

Why do I do this to people?
Like seriously

After my first love, I actually took to warning guys that I would end up fucking them up one way or another, unintentionally.

Putting them off by telling them that they don't want to be with me because I am a psycho and such

And that at the end of everything I will end up on top and better off than them

So far I haven't been proved wrong

But like part of me feels bad.

Every time this happens.

Like when my ex had come out and told me how he felt my heart just sank.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Like I told Paul he texted me and such and I told Paul when we started seeing each other and he was talking about being in a relationship with me that he didn't want to and gave him the speech about why not.

He still wants me.

He says he loves me.

I believe him.

I trust him.

I know I'm going to end up more hurt than ever at the end of this.

I just know it.

But in my head, heart and soul I really just do not care!

But I should.

This stuff scares me. I haven't ever been like this.

 I haven't felt like this since my first true love. Who at the moment hasn't popped in to my head for the past week.

But at the same time, I know that I love Paul. I do. I really do. But I am not and never will be the number one person in his life. I'll never be his first priority. In a sense I couldn't be happier but in another part of me, it is hurt, saddened at this thought because me knowing what I am like, I know that there will come a day where he means absolutely everything to me and yet I won't be everything to him because of his 1 and a half year old son, Nathan and his daughter Alyssa who is due in January. I know that if his ex finds out he is seeing someone else she is going to make it extremely difficult for him to see his babies, and I don't want that to happen.

I probably shouldn't have drank that can of orange rockstar so late. After my wee 6-8pm nap I wasn't tired but the rockstar is now making me consider doing an all-nighter and such.

I can't get over the argument that Tony and I had earlier, it was unreal, brutal. Hurtful. Like I just can't get over some of the things he said, I can't get my head around some of the things I had said either. I can't get over why Steve would have posted the things he did on the conversation. His lies. I think that after I mailed Steve and explained myself in shortened form he took a step back to realise that I wasn't the liar in this situation but it was infact Tony. This would happen to me. I'm going to keep his name on my CV as a reference even though I know myself that he probably won't say very nice things about me now. It's going to be so difficult. He said that if I send him 40quid then he will send me up my stuff in good condition, I know myself that he won't. I'd like to think that he would but I just can't see it happening. It'll either go on him putting it up his nose or into helping him sort out his debts.

This song is amazing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFVHliyGqBs

If anyone hasn't seen Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet, made in 1996 then I suggest you check it out. It is an absolutely inspiring, amazing film. I love it. Downloaded it the other night and watched half of it that night and the other half in the morning and then the whole thing the night after.



It's Christmas!

Today has been eventful.

Interesting.

Fun.

Mum got me up at 8am because Poppy was leaving so we got to open our presents this morning!

Then Tony started texting me which after about two hours got boring, and I asked him to stop. When he persisted to text I put it on facebook!
Which was fun!

Made Steve comment with all these bullshit lies saying that I lead him on, that I fucked him and my friends' boyfriends.

All lies!

It's going to come out sooner or later that he was the liar in this scenario and not me!

I mean he lied to me saying that I was the reason that our head artist John was wanting to leave the shop, after John saw the comments on facebook he texted me saying that I knew the real reason and obviously that facebook wasn't the place for those discussions to take place!

Obv not!

After a few more lying texts and messages from Steve everything died down.

Well that's me not texting Tony anymore.

Thank God!

I could not be happier in all honesty!

All that pervert has caused me is grief.

I want him to drop dead.

I'm currently sitting dressed again waiting for my friend April to come and pick me up because we are going to go to the pub in West Kilbride to have a drink with her boyfriend and his friends.

Yays!

Dress from my mum!

Just before going to the pub with April!



Christmas Eve

Sitting in my mums.

Shattered.

Sisters still aren't talking to me.

It's quite awkward. Thought I was getting to see Paul tonight.

Isn't looking too good.

Got a new hat. Well my Dad got me one and I bought the same one in a different colour yesterday.

Don't I look hot?!

<3



4 days till Christmas ...

It doesn't feel like 4 days till Christmas.

Because I was such a cunt towards Paul last night I ended up crying myself to sleep.

He has sent me about 3 texts today.

Says he was just giving me time to cool off.

Fair enough.

I miss him.

I want him here now.

It isn't fair.

Nothing is.

I've fallen for him.

Too quickly.

And hard.

I went and got all the stuff sorted that got stolen from my sister's party. And still because I stood and spoke to the girl about why and everything, I am now hated by both my little sisters.

Gosh my life is great right now.

I took my dog out for about 5 hours, walked in to the next town and everything.

Had to clear my head.

Had to think.

I picked up flat listings today. I've found one that is suitable. I sent an email to the agency to arrange a viewing so hopefully I'll receive one back come tomorrow.

Got the Job Centre tomorrow at half 3. If I go in to the agency well before that then hopefully I will get a viewing then.

I just need out this house.

I need my own space.

I need to be independant again.

Got the creepy guy Mick wanting to meet up tomorrow which isn't fun.

I'm definitely not meeting him.

He will probably make me feel worse.

I have to get this mood switching under control again.

Completely under control again.

23:59

Great so now I'm feeling even more low than before. Banging.
Tonight should be ... interesting.

Also did 2 hours worth of ironing earlier and apparently the next time I do it I've to hang all my dad's stuff up. WTUF!?I actually want to crack right now and flip the fuck out.

This is not good.

This is not heathly.

Fuck sakes just as everything was looking up.

Everytime.

 Everytime my life seems to get a little brighter it crashes down 4 levels than what it was before.

actuallyfuckitall.

Like see with Paul, having a son and another child due by January. I know I'm not going to be the number one person in his life. I know this. I would never ask him to put me before his kids. Never in a million years. But some fucking respect would be appreciated.

Want to harm again.



Rage

What started as a good day has currently gone to shit now.

Went in to town with Jenny and Jess, which was okay I guess.

Supposed to be seeing Paul tonight and the idiot doesn't text me back or answer his fucking phone.

Wtf is up with that.

Seriously.

Why do guys that I like all have problems with replying to texts.

Stupid me.

Stupid fucked situation.

God I feel really low now.

I put off shopping because he was supposed to be coming down.

Haven't eaten today.

Cut last night. Just 'cause.

Sitting in now. About to do the ironing.

Considering going to the doctors to get this Bipolar seen to but it might be too late to do anything.

And if it isn't too late, then the effects of the medication could be more drastic.

Being 18 and everything.

Just mucking about

22:24

Just back from being at Claire's.

Took Beau a nice long walk down the front so I could take Ellie home.

Asked dad for first month's rent and deposit.

He said yes.

Looks like I'm going to get my independance back.

Have my own wee flat!

=B

Paul hasn't showed up.

Waiting on April to reply to me or him.

Either way.

I want to see him.

I want a hug.

A kiss.

To be held.

Missing him.

Like a wee gay sad act.



19/12

So today I managed to wake up a little too late.

Rushed to get ready.

Taxi.

Train.

Job centre, have to go back on Thursday.

Met Mick for the first time ever.

Was a tad weird.

He seemed too interested. Too clingy.

Freaked a little.

Asked me if I was ever single if I would go for a date with him.

Anyone else think this is a bit....creepy!?

Anyways, tattoo shop in Saltcoats was closed today.

Back on the train.

Bought another can of Rockstar.

Picked up prescription.

Went in to letting agency.

Got to get a deposit. And first months rent before I go anywhere.

Back in my dads.

Ellie's here.

Paul should hopefully be here too.

Hopefully.

Missing him.

Gotta walk the dog.

Then make/order in food for Ellie and Poppy.

Clean up everyone else's mess.

Katie!

Just been sitting looking up train tickets to get down to Southampton to see my beautiful best friend and little sister.
I can't wait.
Just got to sort out my money plans.

First thing is first, getting the FLAT sorted.

Then I'll think about booking the tickets.

Really considering learning to drive.

Christmas is a week today. It doesn't feel it.
I blame the rents for my lack in advent calendar.

18/12/2011

I thought I would give myself a personal me to you blog.
So this is the start off to it.

Charlie
18
Largs, Glasgow, Scotland.
Taurus.
Tattooist.
♥